Tuesday, June 14, 2011

It was getting hotter and hotter by the second. I saw a girl approaching from far off. I remember thinking "Oh. It's because she's so hot". I don't know why I came to that conclusion but I did. The girl approached me and I could almost feel my face melting off and collecting in a puddle on my feet.
"Hey sweetie" She called.
"Oh, hey!"
"So!" She said with the air of a person about to launch into a detailed narrative. I waited politely.
"So my boyfriend just broke up with me!" She said, not sadly, I noticed.
"You seem awfully bright for a person who just had a breakup"
"Well, Duh! I'm a star! I'm supposed to be bright"
"Ahan" I said, remembering a friend who said 'Ahan' whenever he didn't quite know what to say.
"So Carina asked for a bit of Hydrogen for the ball and I was like, no way!, I knew she seemed a bit down and I didn't want Luke noticing her and anyway I wanted the boys for myself and she was like 'you're so mean' and I was like 'whatever' and then at the ball when I was dancing I tried to grope Luke and I noticed him looking at the bitch all the time, He was all 'Carina Sharina seems a bit down today' I mean what the fuck! I was trying to have a good time and the bastard kept interrupting and then he went away to talk to her and the bitch told her about the Hydrogen thing and he broke up with me. He as all 'you're too mean, you should help people out' like I was fucking Angelina Jolie or something, like I don't have other things to do! Anyway, wanna fuck?"
"Um..no" I said again, quite at a loss for words
"What do you mean Ahan?" She frowned.
" It's just that I didn't know stars could talk" I said stupidly.
"Well I can't, Idiot" She started giggling. I just stared at her with my mouth agape, and then she started shrinking and shrinking until she was a tiny ball of light no bigger than my hand and vanished.
"Ahan" I said to myself, again, quite at a loss for words. Suddenly I remembered why I was outside in this heat. I was supposed to be getting chicken, but I'd lost my way. 'I suppose I can't be that far off.' I started walking in the general direction I thought would lead me to the shop. I walked and walked. I think I walked for quite a long time. It was night now. The sun was gone without me even noticing it's descent. 'weird' I thought. In the dark I could see a blue something approaching me, as it neared I realized it was a T-shirt, and wearing it, the guy from Blue's clues.
'You lost, little boy?' He asked with a leer.
'I..er...no, not really.'
'I bet you can find your way home if you just looked for some...' He let the sentence hang in the air.
'LOL, yeah!"
'You're not supposed to say L-O-L in real life.' I said, feeling instantly that I had made a mistake when I noticed his eyes getting smaller and his face scrunching up. He let out a huge sob.
'Um..are you...are you alright' I asked awkwardly.
'It's just that....that...I have to work in a shitty children's show...a very retarded children's show!....just for some dollars....and...and.....I think I'm losing touch with real life.' He started coming closer and closer. I thought he wanted a hug until he planted a very wet kiss right on my lips.
'DUDE' I pushed him away. 'What the fuck are you doing?'
'Wait.." He paused awkwardly, the tears forgotten. 'Aren't you gay?'
'No, no I'm not!'
'Aw, come on man!'
'Stop pretending! I won't judge'
'That's rather offensive Mr.Blues clues guy. I am very much straight' I said, rather offended. He let out a huger sob.
'I AM NOT THE BLUE'S CLUES GUY! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! I CAN'T KEEP LOOKING FOR STUPID CLUES' He ran away into the dark doing the Jazz hands and shouting profanities.
"Ahan" I said again, to no one. I was saying 'Ahan' a lot today, I noticed.
I walked on and on again it seemed for a very long time. This days was turning rather peculiar, I thought. Suddenly from out of nowhere a branch whacked my face. 'Fuck!' I yelled loudly.
'Duuude!, You can't say fuck!' A blue caterpillar sitting on the branch said to me.
'Why not?' I had stopped getting alarmed now.
'Because I say so!'
'You've said that about 'twenty three thousand, two hundred, seventy three' times in your life.
'Ahan' I said bewildered. The caterpillar was better than me at maths!
'That doesn't really require maths, just observance'
'Ahan' I said again.
'That makes it 'twenty three thousand, two hundred, seventy four'
'Ahan' I said again.
'That makes it-
'Oh I know!'
'Oh wow look! A bottle' He pointed with his face downwards towards the road. I picked it up. 'Drink me' It was written on it. I opened the bottle and drank it'
'What was that?' I asked the carterpillar.
'A potion that makes you shrink'
'Really?' I asked. I shouldn't be surprised, I thought.
'No you retard, It's probably poison or maybe alcohal. You're not in fucking wonderland!'
'That makes it-'
'Oh, shut up!' Now that I thought about it, I was feeling a bit dizzy.
A light was looming towards me drunkenly. I realized it was the sun rising really fast. Like somebody had put it in fast motion. The shop was right in front of me. I bought some chicken while the shopkeeper looked at me strangley. I looked in a mirror propped to the side and realized I was moving in a circle drunkenly, all the while singing Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga. I got the chicken and ran home like my non-existent tail was on fire. All of a sudden a ditch rose in front of me and I almost fell in it but saved myself at the last second. But my chicken fell in.
Oh well.., I thought.
I went back home and banged on the door. My sister opened it and greeted me with a frown.
'You were gone for like, a day'
"That makes it 'twenty three thousand, two hundred, seventy five' She said with a clever smile.
'WHERE'S YOUR CYCLE?'My mother shouted from her room.
'You lost it didn't you! Get out of my house! GET OUT'
I made my way out the house and sat at the foot of the gate while passerbys laughed at pointed at my face. Apparently, somebody had drawn a moustache on my face.


  1. I hope, for your sake, that this was a very weird dream induced by eating cheese. If it wasn't, I'm scared.

  2. :O
    Very metaphysical? I think. . .

  3. :O
    All of this was very much real, thankoverymuch.

  4. Ambien does weird things to you...

    ha, entertaining, though. I think I'm gonna stay saying "Ahan." I'll let you know how it goes.

  5. HAHAH
    "'Oh wow look! A bottle' He pointed with his face downwards towards the road. I picked it up. 'Drink me' It was written on it. I opened the bottle and drank it
    'What was that?' I asked the caterpillar.
    'A potion that makes you shrink'
    'Really?' I asked. I shouldn't be surprised, I thought.
    'No you retard, It's probably poison or maybe alcohol. You're not in fucking wonderland!'


    this was really good darcy :D

  6. Bloody hell, I loved this. Real experience or overdose-on-laxatives induced post, I have to say... very well written.

    Cheers! ;D

  7. ^ See! Somebody who understands my genius. :')


That was not a request, it was a command. Do it, now.
...or suffer the consequences. *insert scary evil laugh*
Only evil laughs are never scary so..yeah.